Letting Go

I have tried SO HARD to do the right thing. 

I ALWAYS had to do it perfectly. (At least, what I thought was perfect) 

BUT, it turns out, things STILL got messed up. 

And I STILL made mistakes. 

In fact, some mistakes I made because I was trying so hard NOT to make mistakes. 

And then sometimes it just BLOWS UP in your face.

And I wanted to be the victim like "Why did this happen??? I tried so hard to do this or to do that."

BUT after I stopped feeling sorry for myself ... 

I realized that it was simply a SIGN that things weren't working. 

It was in invitation to look at what was going on and really acknowledge that, even though you are working hard, things didn't work out the way you thought they would or the way you wanted them to. OR maybe you were working hard on one thing, you didn't realize something else wasn't getting attention.

AND THATS OK. 

It's meant to show you what isn't working. NOT how not a good enough job you are doing. Which is what my mind wanted to make that mean. How funny, huh?

In the beginning, when you're triggered, it feels like shit.

BUT if you can feel through the grief and get to the other side, 

you will feel an opening up of SPACE ... to explore the situation with CURIOSITY

... and not what we made it mean.

We are all learning and its ok to mess up. 

Keep trying. Keep doing. Mess up. Learn. And then, DO IT AGAIN.

Eventually, you wont mess up. And you will simply be DOING. 

I think the other take away for me is to LET GO of doing things perfectly. 

Doing the RIGHT THING. 

Because there is no RIGHT WAY of doing things. 

Its time to LET GO. 

FREE

 For the first time ever, I feel FREE. 

I know that sounds crazy. But its true. 

Free from all the reasons why I can't do XYZ. 

Free from why I have to do this or that. 

Free from the limitations of the mind. 

FREE to choose. 

It's so crazy and amazing. 

Even though I am no NEO, I feel as if it's a step out the door. I can see the vast landscape. I look behind me and see the small container I used to live in. It used to feel safe, but it was a prison. I see now, there is so much more to the world than what I used to see. 

But NOW, I AM FREE. 

FLOW

Even as I was about to start typing, I felt that pause, that hesitation, not of unsureness, but that feeling of trying to delay just a little bit more before actually DOING the thing you say you want to do. It's like I felt myself want to just look at my phone or make sure I had my tea or water next to me and THEN I could start writing. But those are distractions. I thought about the word RESISTANCE and I could feel my body tighten up, shoulders went up and chest contracted in. BUT when I thought about the word FLOW, my shoulders relaxed, and I felt like I could breathe and I felt relaxed. FLOW is where we want to be, FLOW is the place where we feel CONNECTED to ourselves, our source. FLOW FLOW FLOW. ALLOWING things to BE exactly as they are  ... as they need to be. Without that, the flow STOPS. And then, there is an energetic clog. And we feel STUCK. 

SO the key is to stay in the FLOW. 

Make Mistakes

Make mistakes. 

Go out and do things. totally. fully. 

Experience things.

Just to be clear, I am not advocating reckless behavior or doing things to hurt yourself or others. 

What I am saying is: It is time to stop the idea of "doing it right" or "perfectly"

I came to a realization years ago that it takes many "mistakes" or rather attempts of doing something before we actually get good at something. Think about how many times a baby attempts to walk before they actually walk on their own. They attempt to stand and fall down. Then they do it again, and again and again. They don't judge themselves if they dont get it right the first time. They dont think they are a failure and stop. They simply continue to try. Again and again. 

I am so glad so many more people are talking about the process of what it takes or what it took for them to get to where they are. Because the more we REALIZE that we all start as beginners and that we all make mistakes, the more at peace we can be with the process of DOING things - of CREATING THINGS. 

AND that its totally ok to BE wherever you are at - whether its unhappy, confused, or lost. 

The first step is becoming AWARE. and then asking what is the next step? to feel inside ourselves and ask what is it that i need right now? sometimes it wont make sense. trusting that is what is right for us in this moment at this time in our life is all that is needed. 

when i look back at my life and think, had i known where this choice would have led me (only knowing some parts), i may have not made that choice. but i guess the point is, we arent supposed to know. and technically it is unknown whether things will happen because people still have free will to choose. 

the future can only be predicted based on how people are being NOW. if a person changes, the future changes and all those around them. How crazy is that?? changing yourself, healing yourself, not only impacts yourself, but also every single person they interact with each and every day. TRULY AMAZING. exactly the reason i am committed to healing myself: for me and for my children and for the world. we are the change we are looking for. BE the change you want to see in the world. when i truly UNDERSTOOD that, it was such an expansive moment where i really saw how much an impact i have on those around me by doing "the work" and healing myself. 

i know we have all heard it, but to truly understand what it means, is really mind blowing. we really must go inward and do the work of healing ourselves if we want to see change. 

i have actually seen a difference in my children when i have healed parts of myself. they feel different and behave just a little different in a good way, in an empowered way. 

children are such amazing teachers - they are a direct reflection of ourselves. i know i have noticed my children talking about their feelings to me and realizing "woa that's what i am feeling" and wondering are they picking up on my feelings?? 

my children have been such a wonderful blessing in my life. they have already taught me so much about myself. and i never had any plans to have children. but then i got pregnant and dove into a new part of my life. sometimes we dont really know where our choices will lead us. the universe will guide us and our mind will want to question the direction. but we must trust. 

SO are we ever really making MISTAKES? because it seems like there is learning in everything. perhaps there is getting stuck. when we are stuck, thats when learning seems to stop. 

but when we get unstuck and finally get back to FLOW, things begin to move forward, things change. 

so, there are no mistakes, just RESISTANCE. 

Walking through the door

So I told myself I would write a blog post everyday to get myself to write, not be stopped, figure out myself and my writing style.

...

AND of course, right away, I thought "I'm tired, and I'm a little tense from laying in bed with the kids, I'll start tomorrow."

...

(Um, yea, I think we can ALL call that a LOAD. OF. SHIT.)

I laid down in bed ready to sleep and thought, "You said you would do it everyday; NOW is the time to start ... what are you waiting for??? THIS is it, THIS is the time to do it. Because there will ALWAYS be a reason not to do it." 

SO, I got up, and got my laptop and started to write this. 

Yay! I overcame step one. And it feels pretty good. 

*SMILES*

It feels good to finally take action. 

Its like standing in front of a door wondering what it looks like on the other side. Wondering if I will need clothes for hot weather, warm weather or cold weather. If I will need a swimsuit, or snow shoes. What if its hot during the day and cold at night? Will I have enough food to eat? What language do they speak? Do I need an umbrella? 

At first, SOME planning is good, but if you continue to try to plan for every scenario, you won't EVER get moving. 

At some point, you just got to WALK THROUGH THE DOOR. 

The natural process we want to be in is: Plan, take action, plan, take action, plan, and then, take action. But if we get stuck for too long in the planning or the action, it can become harmful. The energy needs to FLOW. 

I have spent a LONG time in the phase of learning, researching, seeking, and receiving information.

It is SO EASY to constantly BE in a state of consumption of information with access to the internet and social media. 

I know for me, if I am NOT conscious of how often I look at my phone, how long, or even why I'm looking at it, I will find myself getting caught up in a post, video or article. And its not just one. I will look at another, and another, AND another, AND ANOTHER. It could go on for a long time without some self control. 

It is important to allow ourselves SPACE to actually DIGEST and PROCESS. 

To give ourselves SPACE to BE. 

That feels nice. 

When I allow myself to BE, I feel connected to myself. 

I feel happy and I feel whole. 

It's a wonderful place to be. 

CONSUME

REST

DIGEST

ACTION

And NOW its time for ACTION.

About Me

I am a mother to two beautiful children that I homeschool. I am passionate about living my life purposefully. My whole life I have been drawn toward any way I can achieve self-growth. I have been studying life and myself for 38 years and I am proud of all the growth I have achieved and I know I have so much more to do (as if there is an end!).

AND with all my growth, I struggle. And not that somehow, after all that learning and growing, we don't ever struggle again - as if we graduate from ever being challenged. I am still learning not to be so hard on myself, which is probably the lesson I am learning.

I still feel myself overthinking this post. I am getting tired *yawn* 1am. But its so nice to sit quietly on the couch typing on my laptop in peace. I love my children AND I need my quiet time, my alone time, my space - just me in silence. ahhhhhhh. There goes my brain "I need to meditate more, do some yoga ..."

SO, dancing heart drum. so yea, I'm a modern hippie, I eat organic food, I use essential oils, I clean my house with vinegar, peroxide and baking soda. I like to meditate, do yoga, and think of spirituality as understanding myself and studying myself and humanity and not as a religion. I love my children so deeply and my choice to homeschool them is so that they grow up not feeling ashamed of who they are and that they feel empowered to move through life fluidly; following their hearts and souls without or very little doubt that is their choices are perfect for them.

For me, it has been challenging to overcome low self-esteem and feeling powerless to make my own choices for MY own life. Waiting for someone to give me permission or tell me what to do. For so long I did that. And for so long I didn't even realize how hard it was for me until one day someone said, you choose. Crazy as it sounds it was so hard. But slowly, I learned to make choices on my own without feeling as if I needed approval.

I have healed myself and I am still working on healing some more. It takes time as my impatient self has learned. Expand and contract. Expand and contract.

My hope is that life will flow a little better for my children. They will have their own learning, yes, but listening to their hearts will be as natural as breathing. Perhaps.

I have benefited from the love and sharing from so many people whether it was in person or on the internet. I am so grateful for all the information out in the world - so many times I found someone who felt the same as me or articulated an idea that I had in my mind. It was wonderful and validating and helped me feel not so alone. Thank you for allowing the space for others to share.

I hope to be that benefit to someone, anyone - and if not, at least for me. As I feel I have so much to say. This process is part of my fulfillment.

So to anyone out there reading. Thank you.